Lately, I have finally been able to feel good in my skin again. It is so great.

For the longest time after I was raped, I felt like I was floating above my body. And floating in a painful, separated way, not a happy-in-the-clouds way. Like I didn't care what was happening, like I hurt so much I wanted to physically hurt myself, because it would hurt less than the emotional pain I was experiencing. It would make the pain physical, instead of emotional, and maybe that would be easier somehow. I never hurt myself, though. Sometimes, I would tell my mom, "I feel like SHIT." What I meant was, "Please distract me, I feel so low, I want to stop myself from hurting myself."

My mother would tell me to do art. I made collages. I drew with craypaz and then glued words cut from magazines around the picture. It helped so much. In general, I couldn't focus on anything for very long after the trauma happened. I couldn't focus on reading. I couldn't read a page in a book. It frightened me. But I could focus on art.

I started to do Zumba a few months after the assault happened. Zumba is half-dance, half-aerobics, and it involves a lot of foot motion, a lot of energetic arm motion, and some sexy movements. It made me feel like I was in my body again. It felt so good to be back.

Another survivor I knew told me, "The trauma lives under my skin. It's all up and down my arms, and it perches on my shoulders." The trauma lives under my skin, too. Zumba helped me feel like I was in my body again. But I didn't feel really good in my skin. I felt like I was in my skin, but generally, I was feeling the trauma in my skin. Lately, I have begun to feel good in my skin again. It is wonderful. I haven't felt that in so so long. I have just been in wonder at how amazing it is simply to feel good in your own skin.

Today's a good day.