Wednesday, September 7, 2011

This evening, I stepped out of my comfort zone without knowing ahead of time I was going to. A male friend invited me over to have dinner at his house. I invited a female friend of mine to come, too. When I arrived at his house, he said she'd texted him that she wasn't coming. So-- it was to be me and him, alone. Which I had unsuccessfully tried to avoid by inviting my female friend.

I stepped into his house, and out of my comfort zone. And, the great thing is-- it ended up being fine. I never would have said yes if I knew it would be just me and him. Rape changed everything for me. I can't be alone with a man without being anxious. Stepping into a male librarian's office with the door shut, meeting men I want to network with career-wise, a male student tapping me on the shoulder to get my attention, my roommate having a man sleep over in my apartment in her room, having dinner with a friend. All of these things make me anxious, some much more than others. None of these things used to make me anxious.

It makes me really mad sometimes. Like-- damn it, I never used to get upset about any of these things. Damn it, I don't want to get upset about these things. Damn it, people who are not survivors do not usually feel this way. But that is the impatient me.

The patient me says, wait, I was violated in the most extreme way possible by a man. It makes complete and total sense that I feel these things. I work really hard to keep myself out of uncomfortable situations, away from ignorant comments, and to express myself to people. I work really hard to befriend people who are kind and trustworthy and to allow myself to relax around these people.

So-- overall, I think I am okay with how this evening ended up. I wouldn't have chosen to go to his place alone, but I also could have chosen to leave when I realized it would be me and him, alone. I trusted him enough to step into his house in that moment. Looking back, I trusted the rapist. But I think I am reevaluating how to trust, and I'm still learning the nuances of when to rescind my trust and when to extend my trust.

It's a bittersweet feeling. Bitter because my trust was betrayed and I was hurt so badly and sweet because I am becoming more healthy by learning a better way of forming relationships than that which I practiced in the past.

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